Hurt and Hope

Have you ever hurt so much so deep down all you can do is cry? The very thing that brought you joy at one time can sometimes be the source of this immense pain. People you thought were going to be permanent fixtures in your life can disappear in the blink of an eye. Even people who once encouraged you in life and ministry. Sometimes all that remains is who you thought they were, and it's as if the person you knew has gone MIA, and the remainder is a complete stranger. The person who once looked out for you, the person who at one time got down on one knee and asked you to marry him, the guy who you had the most amazing time with and who for the first time in a long time you felt you could trust, vanished and there's nothing you can do. The remains are nothing more than hollow reminders of people you once knew.

The more I live the more I learn how precious and fragile life is. How do any of us know who to trust? The crazy thing of it all is that for some reason we hold out hope, and we press on. I'm a true believer that each day is a gift from above. So, I have made the choice to continue to live, and to love. After all the things that seem to break us only can serve to make us stronger in the hands of an awesome and mighty God.

I think the thing that hurts the most is that many of the people that have hurt me most are people who I wouldn't expect it from. I mean I know no one is perfect, but I would hope to find something at least a little bit different from people who proclaim to be following Christ. In fact, when I consider the people who have hurt me most, nearly all of them are those who supposedly my brothers and sisters in Christ. Christ said that they will know we are Christians by our love. However, sometimes we are so unloving toward each other. We may be loving toward the group of Christians we are closet to, but many times we don't regard all Christians the same. We pick and choose who should count in our lives. Sometimes we love the homeless person we're in ministry to, or the other person we are helping even more than we love the Christian we sit to nearly every Sunday at church. The places I've expected to feel that Christian unity and have craved it such as my Christian university, and even my Christian sorority I have found Christ's love most devoid at. Why is that??? I spent years thinking perhaps there was something wrong with me, maybe I didn't try hard enough, or didn't know how to please them enough to make them like me. Why do we feel like we have to work so hard to appease the very people who should love us no matter what??? I'm tired of being silent!!! In high school it was the Christian Fellowship group with their fake smiles who seemingly have everything going for them. Honestly it's by the very grace of God I'm even a Christian today. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just stating what I've experienced, and how I've felt most of my life. I'm sure I've added to this at some point in my life. I'm just saying as those who profess to know Christ we really need to strive to be a better model of his love! This world needs it! We need to learn to love each other, not just those we are to be in ministry to. The Christian life is not an easy one, and Jesus himself prayed for our unity as his followers. Well, that's the end of my rant, just something that has been inside of me for about a decade now.

Jesus Bring The Rain!!

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now. I'm living alone for the first time ever, and while some days it's a struggle, most days I find it to be sort of a blessing. I'm learning the beauty of growing closer to God. Although, in the midst of that there are definitely moments when I feel the reality of spiritual warfare. For instance, I really feel called to serve in this one church, however there are so many reasons that it would be easier to just walk away and not go and serve there. I ultimately know though that it would make me disobedient to God. So, it's either walk with God and just endure this momentary pain, or run the other way and feel even greater pain. When faced with difficulties it is so easy to want to go the other way and take the path of least resistance. I'm also having to wait until I can sing with the praise team there after having experienced the joy of being apart of the team last Sunday, which I can understand, but it still hurts somewhat. I'm trying my hardest, totally relying on God, to not let this stuff going on distract from school which is my normal habit. So, my response to it all is to hold on to Christ. He has proved himself to be so faithful over the years, and I know I can trust in Him.

Verses that I have been holding on to now(one of my friends told me to read James, and so most of it is from there):
"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:7-10

"10Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." James 5:10-11

"1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

And as always I have a song, hehe:

Bring the Rain- Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

Memories

Memories are funny things. They can bring you joy and then without warning one memory can bring you searing pain. No matter how you try to forget some things they can come to mind and often when you least expect it. Things that happened years ago can feel like they just happened the other day. It's funny too how memories which once brought you joy can later bring pain. Lately I've been wishing I could escape my own mind. School just started and on the first day back I found myself unexpectantly faced with past memories. It's times like this that all I know to do is to go deeper into God's arms. While I wish He could just carry me far away in those arms, I know I must simply walk with Him through this time knowing that ultimately He has a plan, and He has already made a way for me.


Salvation Is Here

God above all the world in motion
God above all my hopes and fears
And I don't care what the world throws at me now
I'm gonna be alright
Hear the sound of the generations
Making loud our freedom song
All in all that the world would know Your name
It's gonna be alright
Cause I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
Salvation is here
Salvation is here
Salvation is here and He lives in me

Just to know you and be loved is ENOUGH!!

I love the latest song that is playing by Robbie Seay, Song of Hope. I've been finding myself randomly singing it ever since I first started hearing it on KSBJ. Part of the lyrics really stood out to me today when I heard it, and I couldn't help but reflect on the beauty of contentment. The lines that say "Just to know that You are near is enough" and "just to know You and be loved is enough"are the ones I'm speaking about. More and more each day I am learning to find contentment in just knowing that God is near, and that He is radically and passionately in love with me. It isn't always an easy thing to remember in a culture that is always longing for more. While we must have vision and dreams ("Where there is no vision the people perish" Prov. 29:18), we must also learn to appreciate the things that are right in front of us. When things are uncomfortable or get tough the tendency is to want to rush through them or find a way out. Although it is often in those times that God is trying to mold and to fashion us to even more of His likeness. The scriptures says that God longs for us to be complete, lacking in nothing. In order to reach true completeness we must first realize that there is nothing greater than truly knowing God and realizing that every good and perfect thing comes from Him.

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
Philippians 3:7-9

As a woman who has had her share of losses in life, without a doubt I can say that all I have gained in Christ and knowing Him is far greater. So, I choose to live with hope knowing that my God is near, and that to know Him and His love is by far enough!

By Faith . . .

Faith . . . most of us have read "it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Most of the time it's not the being sure of what we hope for that we have as much of an issue with. We tend to know what it is we desire, and most of us have our hopes and dreams. Problems arise when we can't see those hopes and dreams ever coming true. So how does one have certainty about the things they can't see? I looked up faith in Webster's and the definition that stood out the most to me was complete trust. I believe that it is complete trust in our completely faithful God that leads to faith.

Of course complete trust is much easier said than done. In order to fully show our trust in Him we must be willing daily to surrender to Him. By surrender I mean give Him every aspect of our lives. It's so easy to want to hold on to things such as fear, past hurt, bad habits, and the illusion of control. Many times we make decisions and just hope God will bless it later instead of allowing Him to show us where to step. Other times we fail to see that God is working in the moment we are in and instead we run the other way in fear. God doesn't want us to run ahead, and he doesn't want us to run away. He wants us to run with our eyes on the prize, and here I don't mean the one at the end of our life, I mean the prize of a life lived in step with our wonderful creator!! That is the abundant life He longs for His children to have.

Jeremy Camp- Walk By Faith

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Lord, please forgive me for the times I've run ahead of your plan. Also, please forgive me for when I've failed to see your blessings right in front of me. Lord, help me to daily surrender all of me to you, all my heart, soul, and mind. I know you are preparing a great plan for me one to prosper me, not harm me, and one to give me hope and a future! I pray that I can learn to walk in step with you, and to place my complete trust in you, for I know that you are so faithful. Amen.

Faithful . . .

So, I was reading my old xanga posts, and all I have to say is they are a beautiful chronicle of God's continued faithfulness. I mean I think about where I've been and what he has helped me to overcome. I am AMAZED!!

I wrote this 3 years ago, and it's still true today:

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is so completely faithful to his promises. Somehow he is working for my good as he is for all who love him and are called according to His purpose. The beauty of God's plan is watching it unfold in your life. Never knowing what lies around the bend, but knowing that he is with you each step of the way.

I also wrote this prayer, and it too is still my heart.

I fall to my knees, in awe of your loving kindness.
That you would dare think of me, and run to my side.
Before I say your name, your beautiful and majestic name.
Lord, you are there.
I can tell you I love you, but that seems not enough
For you give so much, and yet require so little
No other in heaven or on earth can compare
The love you give is better than life
The love I have for you is a deeply burning passion
It began when I was young
As you constantly mold and make me day by day
It continues to grow, invading all of me.
Thank you for all you've done, and are going to do.
Thank you for all you are doing which has yet to be revealed.
Thank you for believing in me, when I lose all hope.
Thank you for being there, when I feel alone.
Thank you for being strong when I am weak.
Thank you Lord.

Love, Kari

Seeking . . .

So I know I wrote a post before about seeking God, but I have even more on the topic, and from a look into the scripture I've realized it is mentioned over 100 times about seeking!

My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. Psalm 27:8

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deut 4:29

"First seek the counsel of the LORD." 1 Kings 22:5

The LORD is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you
2 Chron. 15:2

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Psalm 34:10

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Psalm 63:1


We are to seek Him in all things so he can give us guidance, counsel, strength, comfort, joy, and so that he can dwell in us! I'm learning more and more the power that comes from truly seeking after God. How as you seek Him your view of things can change, and how when you begin to seek Him with all your heart and soul how you can truly feel Him near you. Maybe you are trying to make sense of what's going on in your current situation, and perhaps like so many of us at times you're beginning to lose hope. One of my friends has been calling me a bunch recently seeking encouragement, and seeking out how to have a better attitude about things currently going on. It occurred to me the other day that the simple fact that she was seeking good things is exactly what God wants. He desires for us to seek Him. He is right there near us, but until we seek Him will all our heart we can't truly experience all that he has for us!

6From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.' " Acts 17:26-28


Not only are we to seek Him with all our hearts we are to seek after His righteousness, humility, justice, peace, and seek after the good of others.

Dear Lord,
Please help me to seek you in everything at all times. Forgive me for those times when I fail to seek you and instead go my own way. Lord thank you so much that I can trust you when you say that when I seek you I will find you! Lord, place in me the desire to thirst after you, and to seek you with all of my heart. Amen

Everything Is Beautiful

So, today was a hard day. Actually, it all began last night. I had such an amazing day at church yesterday. I've been questioning whether or not I should be attending the church I have for the past month now. I really want to be where God wants me. However, I keep feeling called to go there. Last week one member of the praise team mentioned how it was nice to see me worshiping and that she would see me next week. Well, this week there was a lady there who I had sang with in a group at a women's ministry event awhile back. She I found is also over the prayer ministry, and knowing me she aimed at including me. One guy there also told me how great my presence was there and that if I ever needed prayer I could find it there. Until I started going there I had struggled so much on Sundays never knowing where I wanted to go to church, not feeling like I truly belonged at the ones I did go to, and really didn't see that changing.

So, what's the hard part? Well, the friend of mine who I found out about the church from since they actually work there recently deleted me and blocked me from all their things online. I fear they may think I've been going to the church for them. However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm simply there to worship God. I'm actually excited about Sunday now, I love the people of the church, the concept of the church, and the spirit of the church. It hurts me that anyone may venture to say that I'm there for any other purpose than to worship and praise my God with other like minded people. Of course, I don't know if that's why they deleted me, but they aren't saying. That hurts too.

The good part is I am in love with an AWESOME God, who loves me, and knows me. He knows my heart, and my true intentions. He has everything in His hands, and that's a great place for it all to be. That even in everything that I don't understand, and that is painful He is there, and EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL!!! His love changes everything!!

But love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everthing

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemtion calling
And everything is beautiful to me

Lily Among Thorns

So, God has begun a process in me. It started back a little over a month ago now, but at the time I didn't have as clear of a view of what he was doing, all I knew was that I wanted more of Him. God has been purifying me. You see His desire is to take the rags that used to be our life, and to cleanse us so we gleam with lily-whiteness. He wants to take the past hurts, the fears, the moments of disobedience, sinful thoughts/actions, and to put in their place His peace, comfort, joy, heart, mind, and soul. In realizing this I have found the true greatest love of all, and unlike a popular song it's not in learning to love yourself. The greatest love of all is found in our savior Jesus Christ. It is only in drawing near to Him and experiencing His eternal love that we can even possibly have any clue how to have earthly love. No one can love like Christ can, and no one can fulfill all the deepest desires of your heart like Christ can. Fall in love with Him first and foremost, and you will gleam with lily-whiteness among the thorns.

Purest Place- Watermark

Paint me with Your purity
That I'd attract Your majesty
When others boast in fame and gold
The purest place is where I'll go

Chorus:
The purest place I will draw near
Do what it takes to keep me here
In the center of Your heart
The purest place is where You are

It's not with masses, not with kings
Not in these songs, or offerings
Not in this life, or what it brings
The purest place is You my King

Chorus

Bridge:
If there's such thing as too beautiful
If there's such things as too wonderful
If there's such thing as too marvelous
Jesus it's You, Jesus it's You

Chorus

It's You my King,
It's You my King
The purest place, is You my King

I fully know that it is Christ that makes me whole and complete. I don't need someone else to do that. However, I can't help but thinking of sharing a life with my future husband whoever he may be. My best friend in the world is getting married in just a couple months, and while I'm so excited that she has met the man for her I keep wondering when that will happen for me. I so long to be a wife, mom, and partner in ministry with the man God has for me. I've started writing him in my journal as silly as that may sound, and praying for him.

Once upon a time, I thought I'd found him. I watched a guy with teary eyes get down on one knee and ask me to be his wife. However, without warning that fell apart, and so did I for awhile. I've had a few relationships since, but nothing lasting and most of those ended with the guy doing something, and me getting hurt. The funny thing is even though I was the one that ended up hurt in them I'm still friends with most of those guys. Mostly because they realized they hurt me and that I was great to them and apologized. Is this just going to be the pattern???

I did go on a date recently that was to put it very simply amazing. So amazing that I got a little overexcited. I hadn't felt anything like that in awhile, and didn't know I could feel that much. However, in my excitement I think I ruined any chances that might have been there.

I know the thing to do is to let God continue to make me into the woman that God has designed me to be, and that my husband needs me to be. I know too that I must seek God first. The scripture does say after all to "seek God first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

To my future husband: Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God finds a way to bring us together and soon. I can hardly wait to serve God and His people alongside of you, and to go wherever He may call us. I can hardly wait to have a family with you. My desire is to bring you good and not harm all the days that we get to spend on earth together. Amen.

More of Thee

So, God has really been working on me for the past month. More than ever I want more of God. It is in Him where I am made whole. He takes the broken fragments of our lives and puts them together. In the scripture it says that whoever the Son sets free he is free indeed. God is slowly showing me the great freedom He longs for me to have in Him. Freedom from worry, freedom to move on from a hurtful past, freedom to dance and praise Him, freedom to smile, freedom to know that no matter what He has my life in His hands, and that He holds the future. I don't have to get it all right all the time, I don't have to be everything for everyone, and by no means do I have to have everything figured out. I just have to enjoy each day he gives me on this earth, and strive to make the most of it. I've been reading from the book "Amazing Freedom" it's the Women of Faith devotional book for this years conference. If you can find it, it's a great read, plus I'm in the book with my mom, in a devotional about freedom to face new trials. It talks about my mom's learning to cope with the fact that she is on oxygen 24/7, and how God has been her strength through that. My point is that while it is natural at times to feel overwhelmed and uncertain in life if we can draw near to the heart of Christ we can experience the richness of the freedom He longs for us to have. I by no means get this right majority of the time, but it's something God is teaching me, and an area He is pruning me in.


Dear Lord,
Please help me to draw closer to you and your heart so that I may experience the freedom you desire in my life. I hand to you my worries, my future, my pain, my failures, and I know that you can produce the healing and wholeness I need. Thank you for your wonderful promises. Help me to share of the freedom I've found in you with others not just in mere words Lord, but in how I live my life. Forgive me for the times when I get that so wrong, and thank you for your grace that covers all the weaknesses in me. Amen.

Kari

Seeking God First

So much has been going on lately that has me wondering where God is leading. I know the thing to do as always is trust Him, and rest on His promise that he is working out everything for my good. Sometimes that can be so hard when we can't see the bigger picture. However, God knows our future, and He has plans for each of us. We must simply wait on His good and perfect timing. If we seek after Him, and find our delight in Him he will provide all we desire and greater than that all we truly need.

"3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;"

Dear God,
In all I do I want to bring you glory. Lord I ask that you help me know you more so that the things I desire and ask for are things that you long for me to have. Lord help me as I wait on you to deliver those things knowing that I can fully trust in you. Thank you for all you have already so generously given.

Your servant,
Kari

Miracle Of the Moment

Wow! This has been a crazy amazing week. God has shown himself to me so much this week. At work I saw God working through one of my co-workers who I have had the extreme pleasure of talking to about my faith. We have both shared what God has done in our lives and it has been amazing!! On Friday night I went to a praise and worship time at the home of one of the members of the church she attends. It was so great just to let loose and worship the Lord with other believers right in someone's living room. I am truly beginning to see the little miracles of the moment. No matter where you are in life, God is there. The key is learning to see Him in everything. He has a plan for our lives, but isn't about getting to where we are going it's about enjoying the journey. Don't be so busy thinking of the past, or worrying about the future that you miss the things God is blessing you with and showing you in the here and now. God has really shown me that with working at the law firm after having to leave my position as youth director at a church. At first it was easy to think I was taken from ministry, but God has just been showing me a new ministry. Wherever you are you can be used by God to minister to others. We are after all called Christ's ambassadors. He has promised if we seek Him we will find Him. Here are some lyrics from some songs that I've heard recently that really drove this point home:


There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment
Steven Curtis Chapman- Miracle of the Moment

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me
Starfield- Everything is Beautiful

We are GLORIOUS, because we are His!!!

So this is yet another post where I'm going to mention a song. I had heard the David Crowder song Everything Glorious but I hadn't really listened to everything carefully until earlier this week. Then the point was driven home as I tried to encourage a friend who said she was waiting for God to do something glorious. In the song it says "You make everything glorious, and I am yours, what does that make me?"

It's easy to let this world, our own thoughts, or are circumstances make us feel less than glorious. However, we are His creation, and so we are reflections of a GLORIOUS God.

captivated

So lately I've been hearing the song Captivate Us on KSBJ a bunch (and recently bought the cd) and it has really been my heart. While I've been struggling with not currently being in ministry at a church, and having been in a relationship for awhile where I ended up broken once again, God has been continuously drawing me closer to Him. Nothing more do I want than to serve God. So this song has become my prayer:

Your face is beautiful
And Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing
There inside the scars
Your loving arms they draw me near
And Your smile it brings me peace
Draw me closer oh my Lord
Draw me closer Lord to Thee
Captivate us Lord Jesus set our eyes on You
Devastate us with your presence falling down
And rushing river draw us nearer
Holy fountain consume us with You
Captivate us Lord Jesus with You


That's only part of the song, and if you haven't heard it I encourage you to find a copy of it. He can heal you in ways you can't comprehend. In the midst of pain and the things you must let go of in life he can bring restoration.